Crawling in my Skin
by TT17
Summary: A look into Allura's mind, after having been captured by Merla. Could she really ever be like her enemy?


"Crawling in my Skin"  
A Voltron Vignette  
By: TT17  
Disclaimer wa: I don't own Voltron  
  
random mumblings:  
sometimes i don't recognize my own face, my little white lies tell a story, i see it all, it had no glory, look at me, you can take it all because this phase is free, maybe next time use your eyes and look at me im the drama queen if that's your thing baby, i can even do reality  
  
begin fan-fiction:  
  
There's this little voice in the back of my head and it keeps saying 'stupid'. I'm doing my best to ignore it, the last thing I need right now is self-doubt or self-pity. I can't, as Lance so aptly puts it, 'wallow in despair'. I have to escape, and in order to do that, my mind needs to be focused. Yet...stupid, the voice keeps saying. Stupid foolish naive little princess.  
I let out a sigh as I recline my head, resting on the wall of my cell. Once again I attempt to bury the insistent voice. "Oh bugger off!" I mutter. One of Hunk's stronger colloquialisms that I've rather taken a liking to. Okay.....my thoughts are gathered now.  
First off, how'd I get into this mess? Keith always told me to think about what has came before so that I could then plan ahead. Whatever that means. Alright....I don't know how that's supposed to help but.....it's worth a shot. Who knows, it might help out...at least it'll give me something to do other than pace the cell another fifty times looking for a way out. I highly doubt the Voltron Force is going to come to my rescue this time either......ok....stupid, Allura. Don't think about that. Think about how this happened. It was just another Lion Practice.....  
We were only having Lion Practice, and somehow, you manage to get captured by the enemy. I let out another sigh, trying to regain control over the torrent of emotions welling up within me. There's anger. Anger at Merla for attacking us on such a blissful day. There's fear. Fear because I was knocked out early in the skirmish, and I don't know what's happened to the boys. There's frustration. Frustration because I've been in this cell for what feels like an eternity. And there's de....gah...almost said the d word.  
How I ended up in this mess is pathetically simple, I realize. We were practicing, we were taken by surprise, I got cocky...I wanted to....to prove to the boys that I could...  
that I could....  
that I could what?  
  
I fight the tears as the little voice hisses 'stupid' again. The boys already have learned to trust me, we're all friends......so why do I constantly feel as if I have to prove myself to them? I can't help it anymore, look at me, I'm crying again....  
And then....almost immediately.....I stop. The little voice just said something about tears not solving anything, and I know it's right, so I stop crying. I take in few steady breaths, curse Merla a few hell and damnations, and begin to pace the cell again. Tears never solved anything....the voice keeps reminding me....tears never......I push it back....how many times have I done that in the last hour?  
I'd gotten cocky, I'd attacked Merla's ship...I thought I'd be fast enough...but I wasn't. Her main cannon hit Blue Lion straight on. Oh, father....the pain....I'm the most attune to my lion, I think. It's pain is mine...that blast hurt so much, but I didn't black out until the second one. Should I be proud?  
When I woke up, I was here. Merla came down at some point. She looked so....so...that woman infuriates me! Her cold smile, it chills me almost as much as Lotor's. And I said so. Well, that was a stupid thing to say, since it only really really, as Lance would say, 'pissed her off to no end'. Apparently, she wanted to chill me more than Lotor or something.  
She made some threat to my life and then left. And I've been alone since. There aren't even any guards here. I've inspected this dumb cell at least fifty times. It's flawless. An energy shield to prevent escape from the only open side. The walls are smooth with no openings whatsoever. Air can filter through the shield, so ventilation shafts aren't needed. The cell itself is cold, almost like steel, but not exactly steel. Some foreign Drule material...a harsh gray metal.....look at me, I'm actually analyzing the situation now, Coran would be proud.  
I stop pacing and slump down on the floor again. "Stupid Drules don't even have beds." I mutter. I'm tired. I want to sleep and when I wake up, I want this all to be gone. I want this all to be a bad dream....like that dream where Keith was a scarecrow. That dream was kind of funny though.  
My headache's getting worse. The voice is saying 'wuss' as well as some other flavorful distasteful degrading words. I rub my forehead and realize how much close I'm getting to hating this situation. Sure, I've been in bad cases before, but I don't think I've ever hated them. There was that time that Lotor destroyed the "Love Bridge", or whatever it was called. That was bad. But, I didn't hate that.  
And there was that time that Hagar used a giant white lion to lure me out into the desert only to crucify me......Yeah, yeah, that was a bad time, too. But I didn't hate that. Then there was the time, only a few months ago, Lotor insisted on having "Dinner and a Show". Oh ho.....I definitely did NOT like that...that was very very bad. But....  
But I didn't hate it.  
  
Maybe I'm getting old. Years of ware are making me hard. I'm tired, irrational, I'm alone. And worst of all, I'm waiting for something to happen. I guess that's what I hate right now, that fact that that I am completely not in control of my situation. I can't do anything right now, and it is driving me up the wall.  
I look up the wall and....now why hadn't I noticed that before?  
  
A security camera. I make a crude Terran gesture..... "EFF YOU!!" being the words to go with said gesture. I smile, how can something so simple and crude be so gratifying?  
Within a few moments Merla's storming in, her complexion quite flustered. Perfect, I think, just perfect. She's been watching this whole time.  
"Well, Allura...I have to commend you. I thought for sure you'd break down and do something feeble and human...but you haven't...even in this, of all situations."  
She's so smug, and for a moment I hear Hunk in the back of my head saying he'd like to wipe that expression off her face. I smile at the thought. Hunk's strong, he could give Merla a real licking if he ever wanted to...but he's so gentle...he never would hurt unless provoked....Merla WOULD be stupid enough to provoke him, though.  
"Oh, shut up!" Merla snaps.  
"I didn't say anything!" I say, bewildered. She gives me that smug look again, and taps her forehead. "I can hear you...Allura." With that she moves towards the console. She turns off the energy field that's detaining me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't confused. Before I can think of what to do, though, Merla is at my side. We're just about the same height, her heels give her an edge here, and she's using height to her advantage, trying to intimidate me.  
I swallow hard, what is she doing?! Merla tips my head up with one of her fingers, an icy grasp. "Let me ask you something, Allura, and answer me truly....I'll KNOW if you like...." "Since when are we on a first name basis, Merla?" I quip....I try to quip....it comes out all shaky, it's so not even a quip. I'm trying to avoid the game she's playing, and I'm failing miserably. She just smiles, avoids my lame-ass attempt to act cool under fire (which Lance is so much better at....if I ever see him again, I'll have to get lessons), and continues to play her games with me.  
  
"Do you honestly think you can beat me?"  
  
I pause. I look at her. Her eyes....they're so cold right now. Truthfully, my mind screams. She wants the truth. Don't get her mad, give her the truth. I'm about to go into my overconfident Princess rant about good always triumphing over evil.....when the little voice hisses again. Stupid. Naive. Princess.  
I hang my head. "No." I mutter.  
Merla smiles, only this time it isn't that smug little smile I've seen before. This is a real.....this is a real smile of.....she's only...why is she smiling? "That's good. For a moment there I thought you were going to rant me out about good and evil. Here...sit down." Merla motions as she herself takes a seat. I'm about to protest, but then, remembering my situation as her captive, I sit as well.  
"Princess," she actually refers to my title, "What is it about me that makes me the bad guy exactly? Why...why am I the evil one, here?" Is she serious. I look at her....is she....Yes! She's serious! She's actually asking me...she's asking me why I hate her.  
"You attacked us." I say. "You've killed my people....and you've captured me and thrown me into this cell....that seems kind of bad...wrong.....I think....in my opinion..." I stutter when she doesn't respond right away. She just keeps sitting there, and it looks like she's actually thinking about what I just said. After a moment she nods. "Yes, that makes sense, I guess....but..." she shakes her head, and then looks at me. "Do you really blame me for everything that's happened to you lately?"  
What a dumb question, I think.  
"It is not!" she protests.  
That's when I finally put two and two together and figure out that she can read my mind. It makes me uncomfortable, to say the least. If she can read my thoughts, could she steer them as well, I wonder.  
"Yes I can." she says.  
This conversation might sound strange to those that can only hear Merla talking.  
"Yes, it probably does." Merla sighs in agreement.  
My eyes bug out...why does she keep doing that? Her smile is real again. It's like she almost enjoys this....teasing me.  
"It's because you get flustered so easy." Merla points, and I realize my cheeks are turning bright red. "I'm....sorry..." I cough out....trying to regain control, not really sure exactly why I'm sorry, but knowing I am just the same. Merla laughs, she IS enjoying herself. But...is this how she normally tortures her victims?  
"I'm not.....ohhh...poor dear, do you think this is torture?" she coos. I sit, dumbfounded, for at least another moment, trying to clear my thoughts from my head. Why is she acting like this? "I answered your question, Merla, is there anything else you want?" She smiles and takes my hand. "I don't understand thought....how is it that I'm evil....I'm just doing my job is all."  
I stare at her, she continues.  
"Your job is....well, your job is to be the Princess, right? You have to be the leader...for an entire planet....an entire down-trodden planet...you're only seventeen..."  
I blush. "I'm a very capable leader. I've been on my own since...." "Hush, hush." She waves my words away. "I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm not saying you're too young to lead, I'm saying you're only seventeen. It's unusual. When I was seventeen I was....."  
I see her eyes trail off.  
"Never mind where I was, Princess, but listen, you have a job, right?" I nod. "Your planet is your duty?" I nod. "And Keith is your lover." I turn beet red, she laughs. "Sorry, sorry....anyway...as the pilot of Blue Lion you're...well....you've defended your planet....right?" Still red, I nod a quick response.  
"I'm a Princess, too....well....Queen now." She shows me a wedding band clasped to her left arm, traditional Drule ornamentation. "And would you believe me....if I told you everything I did was to protect MY planet?"  
She's so sincere. She's so trusting. She's putting her hear on her sleeve, as the saying goes....for me. For a stupid naive princess like me. Why? Are we similar...am I a younger version of herself, do I reflect her......  
"But....how can you justify hurting one group of people.....even if it would help another?" I stutter again. She looks at me....no.....into me. Stupid...naive....princess....the voice screams. But, the other part, the other part of me is screaming too. It's shouting for joy...it is serene, it is loving, it has found a kindred soul. A friend almost, someone in the same situation, someone who feels as I do......But, we ARE enemies, aren't we?  
"Our beliefs are different, Allura....I find no problem in a strong offense being a good defense...it's not my fault that I was born under the Drule empire, you know." Her voice and eyes turn to ice. I look at her, I've lost the meaning of her words.  
"Voltron has sworn to bring the Drule empire to it's knees, true? To make Drules pay for their atrocities, yes?" I nod, a numb feeling creeping into the pit of my stomach. "I am part of that Drule empire, Allura, whether I want it or not. I'm the top dog right now...and I plan on staying that way...you want to fight with me, you'll find out just how sharp these fangs are......and my bite is definitely worse than my bark." She practically snarls.  
Peace, my heart screams out. Stupid naive princess, my brain hisses. The bottom of my stomach drops out, Merla touches my head, and a wave of mixed emotions run through me. Her emotions. Contempt, anger, frustration, and....sadness? I'm not sure. I've passed out from the overload.  
  
*******  
  
I wake up in my bed. A dream, I wonder. A telepathic link, maybe. Why else would I be back in the castle?  
Later I found out that she let me go. It was all very real. She let me go. They don't know why. The boys wanted to pummel her into the ground, but a quick comment about how she could easily just hand me over to Zarkon and Lotor quieted them.  
Pidge said she'd looked so sad...Pidge is often so perceptive of things the other boys miss. Like my little crush on Keith. Although, if even Merla knows about it...then Keith must be the only one who doesn't know....he can be so dense to the point that I want to strangle him. And hug him and hold him and embrace him all at the same time.  
My mind turns to Merla. After this encounter....I can never forget what harm she has cause, but now.....  
Now I wonder.  
  
If maybe, in another life, we could have just been friends. Two princesses, protecting their people......  
Instead of two enemies, at each other's throats, not convinced that victory is theirs until the other is broken, secure underneath their thumb. I had never thought of myself that way...but it's true. Voltron has sworn to destroy the Drule empire. Had we ever considered the Drule civilians...had I even let myself thinks that they could have innocent citizens?  
No, I had not.   
  
This is war, after all. I'm only seventeen, and other than the sector of my heart that has completely fallen for a certain dashing young captain.....I'm hardening.  
  
Father, help me, I'm forgetting what it is to forgive.  
  
  
Fini  
  
  
  



End file.
